I'm back, bitches...

I've been hiding in a hole for a while. A-man left for a fun-filled vacation, also known as deployment. That was two months ago, and I'm ready for this shit to be over. A lot has happened in the past several months...

1. A and I went on a fabulous roadtrip that included Florida, Alabama, Tennessee, Kentucky, and Indiana. I know, I know... you're all so f'n jealous.
2. A ran away on a government funded journey.
3. My job title has changed three times, and they still don't seem to know what to call this new position I've been given.
4. I had a heated discussion with my new boss about how his unacceptable attitude would not be tolerated.
5. My grandfather died, so I went back to TN again.
6. My fish had a shit ton of babies.

My life is so exciting.

Sugar and Spice and Everything Not Nice

I've been sick all week, so I wasn't really planning anything for New Year's Eve. I should have stayed home in the bed, but I decided to get out for a bit. A, his friend, and I went to the little bar close to our house and planned on staying for a short time. A little beer, some music, and some darts then we were going to come home. Well... 2008 didn't end how I had planned. Some girl, an Amazon slut if I do say so myself, and her sissy boyfriend were arguing. She was super trashed and falling out of her short black lace dress that would have fit me (I'm 5'6" and 120, she was about 5'8" and 165). The friend and I blew our festive horns, and it pissed them off. The guy told us that wasn't the time or place. We said it was exactly the time and place. The chick lost her fucking marbles at that point. She was freaking out, and I was trying to calm her drunk ass down. Keep in mind I was NOT DRUNK, AND I WAS SICK. The Jerry Spring Whoreface started taking off her gd high heels. I decided this was not the best place for me to be. I quickly excused myself from the situation and went to the bar where the owner, who I know, was standing. Before I could get her name out of my mouth... THWACK! Yeah, a fucking shoe upside the head. A pointy heel! Who does that? Wow. A grabbed her wimp of boyfriend and slammed him into JSW. The entire bar quickly pushed the high class couple out the door.

We came home. I went to bed. Fuck 2008. Hard.

The next day I found some trashy looking jacket on the back of a chair in the kitchen. When I asked A where it came from he responded, "Oh yeah, I stole that bitch's jacket." That's my guy!

The moral of the story: If a big ass bitch starts taking off her shoes... Do not pass Go, do not collect shit.... pick up a beer bottle and start swinging. Happy New Year!

Go Tell It, Sister....

I stole this from someone's post. It must be shared with the world. Enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gg7uGL6Ku20&eurl=http://www.google.com/reader/view/

Bitchy Bitch

A and I went to the Titans/Jags game last week, and of course we were wearing our Titans gear. It didn't start exactly the way we had planned. The game was scheduled for 1pm, so we left the house at 11:55 and parked by 12:15. We were gonna get a beer and hang out for a bit before the game started. Yeah, that didn't work out. We were both so busy last week that we didn't see anything about the game getting pushed back to 4:15. Once we figured that out we decided to find a bar and have a few. This was probably a factor in what happened at the game. Let me just say that Jacksonville fans DO NOT LIKE Titans fans. Not even a little bit. We were sitting there having a good time. It was almost half time, and the Jags were winning. Ok, whatever... we're not nutty hate-you-if-we're-losing people. The chick in front of us, who was with her cheesy boyfriend, two of his friends, and her furry fake fox purse, was saying something to her boyfriend about the game. None of them had on team stuff, so when I heard her make a comment about the Titans, for some reason I assumed it was a positive statement. This is how the conversation went....

Me: Oh, you're on our side?
Bitch: Um, no. (In a completely asshole tone.)
Me: Oh, ok. Geez, didn't mean to get you all pissy.
Bitch: You need to shut the fuck up.
Me: You and your rabid fox need to lay off.
Bitch: Fuck you, bitch.
Me: Wow.
Bitch: Shut up and drink your beer. What are you, 40? (I'm 30, and I look more like 25.)
Me: Haha. Good one. Proactive what? (She had beautiful hair, but that didn't make up for her fucked up complexion.)
Bitch: (Standing up and turning around now.) Fuck you!
Me: (Calmly) Wow. Really?
Bitch: (Screaming) Fuck you!
Me: (Still calm.) Ok
Bitch: (Yelling crazy loud.) FUCK YOU, BITCH!
A: (To crazy bitch.) You need to sit down now.

The three guys with her never even turned around. Once the nutty headcase sat down, the guy a few seats down from us came over to her and asked her to watch her mouth since he was there with his young son. The four of them left and didn't come back.

Sure, I pushed it too far, but the bitch was crazy. And... her purse did look like a fucking rabid fox, and she did need some gd Proactive.

Go Titans!

Salesperson BS

We don't have a receptionist at work because we don't get very much traffic there. My office is in the front, and every now and then a way-too-smiley salesperson will come in. Yesterday the cutest chick came in to try to sell printing services. She was about 5' tall with an adorable little pixie cut. She told me she liked the color of my hair... which was obviously total bullshit because I'm long overdue for a color touch up. After that she decided to tell me that her daughter begged her to let her dye her hair red. (By the way, my hair isn't red.) When she told me that, I was a little confused because she looked like she couldn't be much older than 32. So, of course I asked... "How old is your daughter?" Her response was, "Four and a half." Are you f'n kidding me?! Who lets a four year old dye her hair? I guess if you're one of those pageant fruitcakes it's not as shocking, but the average parent???? Jebus! No wonder kids are all fucked up these days. All that hair color can't be good for brain development. I bet she has a pink dog named Pretty too.

Make It Rain

I refer to my boss's wife as The Cloud of Doom and Gloom. Every time I do this, she puts on her sunshiny hat and makes me feel guilty. Damn.

Weekend Warriors

Now that A's computer is in the hospital, we are being a lot more productive. (I put mine away so that he's not all crazy jealous because I'm nice like that.) This weekend we (he) built a patio, landscaped, painted trim and doors in the bathroom and kitchen, and had pancakes for breakfast. :)

We got our patio material (16x16 pavers) from Home Depot. We are now anti-Home Depot. Instead of helping load the 25 lb blocks, they sent him out with them on one of those flat pushy cart things. I was pissed. Some old man had been sitting in his SUV for about thirty minutes waiting for someone to load bags of mulch for him because he couldn't lift them. We loaded his mulch for him then loaded our shit. Once we were more than halfway through they sent some tiny old lady out to help. Really? That's the best they could do? Suck it Home Depot. I'm goin' to Lowe's! Well, they're not much brighter there. What a deal, what a steal! See pic...

Giddyup Rides Again

So, Giddyup does some bullshit bbq cooking contest every year. He started talking about it not long after I started working there three months ago. I was so excited that he would be gone for a four day weekend, and upon his return the bbq contest talk would be squashed. I was so f'n wrong. Now I keep hearing stories about it.... "Ever-body own my team wuz sick, so I had ta cook ever-thang." "We came in 39th outta a hunnerd twinny-nine." Blah blah blah. I DON'T CARE, GIDDYUP! It's non-stop random bbq bullshit.

Oh... Giddyup got a text and thought it was hilarious. I can't remember exactly how it went, so I won't fake the conversation. I'll just say it was something about the KKK getting together for a burning or a hanging or whatever they do these days. I don't even have to say who they were talking about. He continues to shock me. I shouldn't be shocked.

TGIE

Thank goodness it's almost election day. I really try hard to be respectful of other's views, but I'm fed up with this shit. I'm so sick of closed minded people. If you can't hold a conversation about politics with someone who doesn't think exactly like you, you have a problem and shouldn't get all caught up in a political chit chat. Really. I am definitely opinionated, but I'm also respectful. Nobody is going to change my mind at this point, and I'm pretty f'n sure I'm not changing anyone's mind on the other side (no matter how right I think I am, haha). I will be there first thing in the morning to say goodbye to Election '08. Woo hoo! Come on 7am!

What Happened to Halloween?

Last night, after too many shots of vodka, I turned on the porch light and waited for the cute little ghosts and goblins. Well, I had one cute little witch and a brother/sister combo dressed as I don't know what... but they were super cute. Then came the others. A group of about 15 kids crowded onto the porch like the fucking Huxtables and all their friends. All of them dressed in their Friday clothes. I asked them what the hell they were supposed to be, and the response from one adorable little boy was The Brady Bunch. Really? I then congratulated one of them for going for the giant pillowcase instead of a plastic Walmart bag. Next... two teenage boys also dressed as Friday. At least they had a cute little one with them.... dressed as fucking Friday. Finally, my last Halloween straw... three teenage girls wearing their cheerleading outfits...

Me: Cheerleaders, huh?
Them: Yeah, haha!
Me: You're really cheerleaders, aren't you?
Them: Um, yeah.
Me: Way to go out on a limb there.

I filled their bags with junk then immediately turned off the light and had another shot of vodka. Halloween sucks when you're home alone and all the neighborhood brats have no imagination.

A Is for Ass

I made a chicken stew kind of something for dinner. It was decent. Not the best ever, but definitely not the worst. Afterwards, A was going to make himself a drink...

Me: Pick me, pick me! (make me a drink too!)
A: I pick her! (pointing to the invisible girl next to me)
Me: Go throw up the dinner you just ate!
A: I was thinking about it.

Asshole.

Oh, and.... He had to mail off his laptop because it had some defect. (Like A, like computer.) He told me he's having phantom limb pains. Asshole.

Do You See What I See?

Other than the boob that is...

Sicky McSick

I've been feeling pretty crappy this week thanks to Fuckface and his gd "swole nodes" that I'd like to rip out of him. Well, probably not because of him, but I'd still like to pop those little suckers out with a grapefruit spoon. Back to my point.... I've been having weird dreams. Last night I had two disturbing dreams.

1. I was walking down the street and noticed a bus hanging off the edge of the overpass dangling by the back tires. This wasn't an ordinary bus. It was one of those double deckers with an open top... more like a rollercoaster really. As the bus was swinging back and forth, the passengers were furiously scribbling on legal pads... I assume goodbye letters? The bus started swinging more and more until the tires popped, people screamed, and.... I woke up.

2. Three of my top front teeth were barely hanging in my mouth. I could taste the blood. Yuck.

What the hell?

The National Anthem

If you're going to sing the National Anthem at the World Series, don't ya think you should know the words? If you're Patty Labelle you have no excuse... not nerves, not lack of preparation. You suck, Patty Labelle. You suck baseball bats.

Oh No!

Snake on the porch, snake on the porch!! EWWWWWW!!!!!

Virginia, You're So Clever

Virginia Beach doesn't take a lot of time or put forth much effort when it comes to naming places. In VaBeach, a huge hill of the greenest grass is encircled at the base with a lovely walking trail overlooking an even lovelier pond. Driving by this oh-so green hill of beauty one would never guess that it is built on a landfill, until the sign comes into view.... Mt. Trashmore. Yeah, Mt. fucking Trashmore. Really, Virginia, that's the best you can do? Oh, and they also have the Great Dismal Swamp. Ooh, I wanna go there.

More Fun With the Letter A

Yeah, so, we're sitting outside talking about buying a much more fabulous house. I'm wearing a Vanderbilt t-shirt and he's wearing a Mets t-shirt.

A: Why don't you go back to your school there and make us some money?
Me: Why don't you go back to playing for the Mets and make us some money?
A: Yeah, then you can get that face transplant we've always wanted.

Down the river not across the stream.

The Decision

Today I had to deal with the daughter of my company's VP. She works in another office, but she's been in my office way too much lately... probably because everyone in her office hates her and her brother who happens to be her boss. She sucks. She would never have her position if daddy didn't hand it to her... and her fucking 8 brothers and sisters! No shit. Eight of them! They're all engineers or engineer interns, and they're all younger than me. They suck ass... big curdly fat lady ass. She insisted on using my cordless phone in the office instead of the one in the conference room. I let her. She broke the copy machine. I fixed it. I let her steal an hour of my busy day. No more. I decided today that I'd rather be fired than suck up to any of those snot-nosed, cryin'-to-daddy bitches. You should hear them on conference calls.... "But, Dad..." It's fucking pathetic. So, who knows if I'll end up losing my job, but I'll keep my self respect. Suck it, Bleningblahs!

Sweet Sweet Music

Some of the concerts I've been to in my lifetime:
NKOTB
Gwen Stefani
(lots of local junk since I'm from Nashville)
DMX
Juvenile
Hank Jr./Lynyrd Skynyrd
Old Crow Medicine Show
Shooter Jennings

Yeah... weird combo...I know.

Tonight was my ultimate music fantasy.... Dolly F'n Parton!!!!!
I've loved her since I was a child, and she's the only celebrity I've ever really really really really wanted to see. Tonight my little girl dream came true. If you don't know much about Dolly, you should really read just a couple things about her. She's an amazing woman. I was like a kid in a candy store in the second row tonight. A got a big kick out of my dancing and singing to almost every single Dolly song even though all the old people around us were sitting down 98% of the time. Hey, if you love some Dolly, you get up and sing Two Doors Down. So, all you gays out there, sing with me..... Two doors down, they're laughin' and drinkin' and havin' a party. Two doors down they're not aware that I'm around.... and if you don't know it, you should! Even if you're not white bread America, you can relate to some of her stuff.

Thanks for reading my Dolly lovin'. Really. Thanks.

I'll sing you out of this.... Dooooo you ever wake up lonely in the middle of the because you miss me ..... Do you, Baby?....

Sweet Dolly. :)

More Fun With the Letter A

Our journey to Tampa yesterday was filled with interesting conversation. The following is just a taste:



A (aka Hubadubdub): I really need to pee.

Me: Do you wanna stop?

A: No, I could piss a river, but I can hold it.

Me: (not in a mocking tone at all) Because my bladder is as big as my head.

A: Because my bladder is as big as your smartass mouth.



What a sweetheart.

This Day Blows

Thank Jebus today is Friday, and I have a three day weekend ahead of me.... in Tampa...watching baseball and riding rollercoasters. Nothing cures a really bad week like sports, amusement parks, and alcohol...well.... maybe winning the lottery, but whatever. Let the good times roll.....ercoaster!

Post Debate Discussion

The Hubs and I just finished watching the Crapidential Debate.

Me: We should go to bed soon.
Hubadubdub: I'm not tired.
Me: You look tired.
Hubadubdub: You look stupid.
Me: I can't help that.

I guess I need more beauty sleep.

Debatin'

I thoroughly enjoyed tonight's debate. I do love my crap tv, but this was pretty f'n craptacular.

Racism in the Workplace

Giddyup sucks. He's all awkward and weird. Today he dropped even further on my list of work like/dislike rank. He is a racist but claims to be accepting of all people... even though he referred to a specific work practice as "niggering people out" last week. Yes, I was stunned. Today we had a little awkward moment . Giddyup was having a chat with my favorite employee, the FL Bill Cosby. I was the only other person in the office. Keep in mind I've worked there for a less than three months. That made it a little more awkward for me. It went a little something like this...

Giddyup: Bill, you ready for a cross burning tonight?
Me: (WTF is going on here?)
Bill: (Caught off guard) Ok?
Giddyup: (In a weird twangy bull-ridin' way) Haha.
Bill: Um. Ok. You wanna start here? We can put one up in the office.
Giddyup: Heh heh heh... hee haw.
Me: Bill, what are you talking about? It doesn't matter where we put it as long as Giddyup is on that burning cross.

And all was well with the world.

Smile!

A letter to my coworker, Giddyup:

Screw you! Nobody smiles all the f'n time. Telling me to smile doesn't make me want to cheese it up. It makes me want to grab your mouth from behind, one hand in each corner, and pull until I can wrap your cheeks over your ears. I want this to hurt. Really hurt. Maybe I look angry sometimes when I'm concentrating on work? If that's the case then don't try to pet me. I will bite...until my teeth touch each other through your sandpaper hand.

It's always the awkward guy that says shit like that. If you can't come up with anything better to say, don't say anything at all. We'll all really appreciate it. Most of what you say is worthless anyway.

Have a great day!
J

I"ll Never Use That!

So, it turns out the professors didn't teach all useless bullshit. I was asked to create an organizational flow chart today. I haven't done that in over a decade, and it's not at all like riding a bike. I spent forever trying to get all of those good-for-nothing asses squeezed in there. I've had this job for two months, so that really helped the organization of the organizational flow chart. Who the hell are these people? And why am I the only chick on the chart? Sexist bastards.

Driving Tips: The Window of Opportunity

When attempting to turn out into traffic, one should be prepared to pounce. If one is given an opportunity and does not pounce, this person can suck it. You snooze, you lose. All rights to scream and throw traffic gang signs have been forfeited at that point. So again... suck it.

In Other News...

I'm totally dominating the news cycle right now by focusing on not wearing pants.

Noisy Neighbor Kids

The kids next door have been playing lacrosse every f'n day for the past week. It's amazing how loud a rubber ball can sound when it is continuously pounded against the outside of a house. My house. Fucking kids. I hope they fall and accidentally get a rectal temp reading with a lacrosse stick. I can't say anything because they mow my lawn... for free. I can only bitch and think of ways to torture them. I have a good list going.

Dominating Your News Cycle

I have watched this about 2,337,065 times. I have an addictive personality, so that's not a surprise. Enjoy, bitches.

http://www.236.com/video/2008/get_your_war_on_news_cycle_1_9305.php

K, Bye!

I've found myself ending phone calls at work with, "K, bye!" What the hell happened here? When did I turn into an eleven year old with a cell phone? I'm going to have to break this habit with a quickness. K, bye.

Reasons You Shouldn't Be Nice to People

Because people suck.

Palinism # -248

Heck...energy...nuke-ular...energy...Alaska...nuke-ular...darn....heck...energy....oil....Alaska...

Bidenism #2,447,012

I heart Bosniacs!

Desk Scavenger Part Deux

HOwNotToSuckAtLife #305:

If you're asking the boss for information about your healthcare benefits and directions to the nearest healthcare facility because you have "swole nodes" and a sore throat, it's probably not a good idea to snag someone's pen off her desk to jot down your info. If you continue with your plan to do this anyway, keep in mind that when you're finished with it, you should probably not attempt to return this germ infested stick. If you do decide to brave it, do it quickly. She is likely to pick up her keyboard and repeatedly smash your nose pickers.

I'm going to have an office full of lefties soon.

Desk Scavengers

HOwNotToSuckAtLife #304:

If someone is at her desk, and you need a pen... don't just stroll over, open a draw while she is four inches away, and go looky-look-seein' all over the place. She probably won't like it. As a matter of fact, she'll probably want to to direct you to the back of the drawer with your grubby little hand then make a quick, kung-fu move to smash said grubby little hand, all the while hoping for blood and tears. If she is lucky enough to draw blood and tears, you will probably hear something like, "Hope you can write with your left hand, Bitch."

I Have a Dream

Well, I had one last night. Not so much a fictional dream, more of a real memory.



When I was in college, my boss's brother, Idiotbag, began hanging out with all of us after work. A few times he and I were the only two left drinking... I can hang like a champ. We never went on a date. We never had long oh-so-meaningful phone calls. As far as I knew, we were equally disinterested in each other. That makes the situation slightly more amusing. One night after I had been sleeping for a while, I received a call from Idiotbag. It went a little something like this.



Idiotbag: I'm coming over.

Me: What? Why? Whatever. No. I'm sleeping.

Idiotbag: But I've been drinking... a loooooot... and I'm already at your house.

Me: What the hell is wrong with you, Idiotbag?

Idiotbag: I told you. I'm shitfaced.

Me: Fine.



I then went downstairs to let the drunk piece of shit in. Mistake.



Idiotbag: Hey, baby!

Me: I told you I was sleeping, and don't call me "baby"

Idiotbag: I brought beer.

Me: I'm going to bed.

Idiotbag: I'll join you.

Me: You'll do no such thing.

Idiotbag: Come on. I'm too drunk to drive home. Let me sleep in your bed.

Me: Fine, you can sleep in my bed, and I'll sleep on the couch.

Idiotbag: Why are you being a bitch? I came over here to show you a good time.

Me: Oh yeah? Well, I don't give a shit if you're drunk. Get the hell out of my house. NOW!



At that point Idiotbag decided I didn't understand the gift he planned to bestow upon me. He proceeded to show me. The dumb ass dropped his pants to expose his tiny man-thumb then just stood there.



Idiotbag: See what you're missing?

Me: I'm calling the police.



He never hung out with us after that.

Adventures in WalMart

Just when I thought kids with Heelys (those craptacular shoes with wheels) topped the Most Annoying list, I was introduced to the new all-time nerve crusher: kids with whistles. What the hell is wrong with that mother? Your kid's too old for a pacifier now, so you choose to noise bomb everyone in a half mile radius? I hate you, Mother of the Year. I hate you and that little brat who, without the intervention of child protective services, will grow up to be a waste of whistle-blowing breath just like you. Hate is such a strong word. I'll stick with that.

Things Rednecks Say

I thought it was the white trash equivalent of honesty in politics (you know, you never hear it), but it's real. While I was at work yesterday, the phone rang. It was this crazy country chick who ended her call with, "Git er done, girl!" Wow. No, really... WOW. People actually say it.

Peeeeeeee You!

How is it possible that two little armpits on a skinny man can stink up 1500 sq ft? Yuckola! I want to keep a dab of smell-good lotion under my nose to mask his horrible odor, but I think everyone would look at me like I'm crazy. I haven't worked here long enough for them to know how crazy I am. Let the nose attack continue....

The Scale

On a scale of 1-10 he's a 3. If he is spitting ridiculous lines at me while adjusting his hunter green blazer, does that mean he thinks I'm on his level? That I would even consider accepting his indecent proposal? Ew. I always feel like I must be a 3 if 3's are coming at me like they have a chance. Now, I'm not a 10, not even close, but Jesus F'n Christ... a 3?! People usually end up with their scale equals (give or take a half point). Even though my scale score = N/A now, I still get that bad watermelon-in-the-pit-of-your-stomach feeling when a 3 or 4 pimp-walks my way and talks out of the side of his snaggle-toothed mouth while holding his bitch ass little vodka and cranberry. Of course I can't be rude by laughing and walking away because I'm one of those southern chicks who feels the need to be polite. Am I feeding the fire? Probably. Next time I think I'll just say, "You're a 3, and I'm not." Then I'll walk away. Someone has to break the vicious cycle.

Awwww.....

So... my cousin has Down Syndrome. Anyone who knows someone with it, especially a child, knows that they are the sweetest, most loving people ever. Most people don't think of them as having the capability to develop a sense of humor. Well, they can, and they do. And, quite often, their parents do too. I laughed hysterically at this while at the same time thinking awwwwwwwwww. My aunt took a picture of this sweet little child and her oh-so-perfect t-shirt. I love it. I hope you do too. :)

Yeah, so....

Today someone told me that my data had several discriminations. I'm pretty sure he meant discrepancies, but it was much more fun to hear him say discriminations. Maybe tomorrow I'll be better and won't make any eras.